I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
