swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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