Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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