Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
