They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
