I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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