i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
