i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
