I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
