So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
