I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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