when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
