apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize