I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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