my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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