this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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