me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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