It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
