I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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