i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
