Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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