The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
