Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
