The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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