She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize