I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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