Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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