can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
