I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
