I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize