So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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