well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
