Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
