pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
