Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
