sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
