So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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