she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
