I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
