Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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