You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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