my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
