I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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