Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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