dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
