hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
