Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I am one with the molecules
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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