U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
