that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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