Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
