Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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