I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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