I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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