Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
