Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
