So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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