omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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