I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
