my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
