He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
