okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
All I want is dick and wine.
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