I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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